This is the blog that never ends…

I am writing you tonight from Phoenix, Arizona. It is around 11pm and I am sitting on the back deck of a family friend’s house.  There is a strong breeze blowing across the trees and for the most part it’s rather quiet, aside from the wind and a stray car. My companion this late June evening is a giant dog named Wallace. He continues to run in the yard chasing the wind for about 30 seconds then returns to my side to lather my leg with spit and make sure that I know he is still there. I have been blessed tonight with one of my favourite things about the valley, the smell of desert rain. There is nothing like it. It is a sweet mixture; 1 part dirty earthiness 2 parts freshness. They say we will be getting a downpour at some point this evening. Which tickles me a bit. After 6 full days here experiencing 110 degree plus temperatures every day. I finally may get to experience desert rain again just hours before I leave. It’s a bit like my life really. Years of dry hot desert air before a beautiful thunderstorm and an onslaught of rain. I’ve yet to experience a refreshing rainstorm in my life. But I know it’s somewhere out there (beneath the pale moonlight). Knowing that reaping what I sow will eventually arrive is what keeps me going; keeps me giving all of my pursuits one hundred percent (or 110% if you are overly –enthusiastic). That and staying around for my family is what keeps me breathing.

Tonight my heart is heavy. I know, big surprise right? But tonight is different. Tonight I may actually creak open the doors of my mind a little further to allow you to see just how these wheels turn. (Now Wallace is sitting upright beside me keeping watch. Maybe I should get myself a dog they don’t leave you right?) Foremost, the “business” stuff: I was able to lay out the piano parts and a few synth tracks for one of my new songs while in the studio here in Phoenix. Also, Siege and I tracked an awesome cover of a song I really enjoy. It is lyrically enticing and emotionally stirring. I found a great drum loop, played some lead guitar (using my buddy Kyle’s Les Paul rip), threw down a bass line and created all the piano parts with my new found piano playing ability (I can’t seem to stop playing the piano these days). In the next day or so Siege will lay down some of his superb turntable skills across the track and then we will jaw back and forth about the mix ‘til it meets satisfaction. I am very happy with the outcome. It may be a mite dark for a few, but I hope you will all enjoy it to some degree. Tomorrow, around 4 or 5am, I will head up I-17 taking that oh-so-familiar drive into the Rocky Mountains; which is the current home of my immediate family. I only have a few short days in Colorado then it’s back to Nashville for a couple of weeks before I head out for some spot date gigs in July. These summer days are filling up fast.

Right down to it: Tonight thoughts of love and loss bound to and fro in my head. Mostly feeding off of what my heart is feeling these days. The last time that I was at this particular house was almost 3 years ago to the date. I had just dealt with a tragic loss. One I would with a clear mind say was worst than death. Sitting in the living room in which I sat those years ago I played out in my mind exactly how the conversation went amongst four caring adults twice my age and I. I could see myself sitting in that chair weeping uncontrollably with deep loss and longing. I then removed myself from that moment and saw myself as I am now, sitting in that very chair. Things are different now. The sting still exists. I believe it always will. I believe, as mere human beings, pain never truly goes away. It is how we deal with that pain that makes or breaks us. It is a process that I have learned. The hard way yes, but how else does one truly learn? Feelings are tricky. Situations arise and feelings shout much louder than reality. In that moment when emotions are high we ‘feel’ we will never survive, never love again, never find the way out, etc. I have learned to remove feeling long enough to dwell in my mind and think clearly through the situation. Knowing that I can handle anything by removing feeling has helped me immensely. I am an incredibly sensitive person. And not just in ways of being emotional. I am very in tune with my surroundings. I can see and sense things that baffle some. Back to the point, being sensitive definitely has its downside. But the upswing with the right relationship makes it worthwhile.  Not to mention the amount of heart-sewn lyrics that pour out of me.

If you read my blog with anticipation of me leaking out saucy details of relationships I have had or relationships I happen to be in… I hate to disappoint, but that will never happen. I am very guarded with what I will and will not write about to the public. And as the years pass and I one day have a more complete family of my own it will remain as such and even more so. Why? To protect those I love and care about. And really, it’s no one’s business. Having said that, is anyone still reading? Hah. I will, however, continually write about what I go through from an advice standpoint. I believe that we go through experiences not only to grow and expand our knowledge of life, but also to be able to help others along that may walk into the same situation one day. Hints of the mystery will be patched into pieces of my lyrics, poetry and even my blog posts. But creating your own scenario of what the realities of my situations are is about all you will be able to do.

While sitting at lunch with a friend this past week I began to open up slightly and discuss some of my experiences with love. After much conversation this said ‘person’ just looked me in the eyes and confessed, “Cory, Cory… It seems you wear your heart on your sleeve.” That I can’t really deny. It is true. How else does one love? Or find true love at that? If I play the “game” until walls are broken down and intense levels of comfort arrive, there is nothing left but to display my true heart on my sleeve. As long as both parties involved take this journey together it is a very healthy start to a loving relationship. The dilemma arrives as one of those parties removes all emotion and begins a pattern of rejection. Selfishness can be very tricky. When commitment is involved spoken or un-spoken a selfish turn can tank what was beautiful and bring nothing but hurt for the other party involved. At what point do you decide, this is not healthy for me, I should pack up and move on? If you find beauty in the beginning, a look, a smile… a piece of ones heart exposed long enough to see a glimpse of the future, do you hold onto that or close the doors to your heart to avoid a deeper wound? This is really just food for thought. If you are in a thinking mood - read on, if not go read the home page of yahoo or check your facebook for the hundredth time today - write back to those that don’t really matter and ignore the ones who deeply care. What a shallow way to live. It is funny how much people crave the attention and words from people on these social network sites. They act as if it is there entire existence and without it they would be lost. People are such dog-trained zombies anymore; it’s sickening. I would not have a problem with leaving all social networking sites for good. But business would be horrible. Hopefully one day soon I can hire someone to manage them and just stop by once in a while to say hello.

Yes, I just rabbit-trailed. We are just having a conversation here right? If you are still with me let’s go back to the topic of love. (And if you are still reading I expect you to stop being shy and actually leave a comment below with your thoughts, I have over 100 readers a day, and all are too scared to post comments, this is give and take people!) Love. The famed Beatles once wrote that it’s all we need. I just read a plaque on the wall in this house that displays the scripture from I Corinthians chapter 13. All of the things that true love is. I am baffled by the last. Love never fails. Huh? It doesn’t? So what you’re saying is all the love that we experience that fails isn’t really love? I chew on that over and over and can never seem to swallow it. Like a tough piece of pot-roast. I know in every relationship I have ever been in that I love with absolutely all of me. I hold nothing back and treat her like she is the most important thing on earth. It’s just how I was created; for the most part it comes naturally. I know how I would like to be treated and go from there, using information I learn about her and her needs along the way to make it better and better. I will say this. I have never experienced this in return. So do I just stop looking? Stop loving? For some, yes. For me… probably not going to happen in this lifetime. But with each love and each loss I learn a little bit more about who I am. There are just some times when you reread the script of a relationship and you can find no err in your ways. There is just nothing you could do differently. You just have to realize that what you want, wants you not. What you feel you need, needs you not. Need is a stronger sense of wanting. People say you shouldn’t need anyone or anything. To me need is just a way to express that you crave it more passionately, with more vigor. (‘Leaving on a Jet Plane’ just started playing across the radio; I love playing that on the piano.) I believe that the opportunity for true love exists for all of us. Whether we find it or not in this world saturated with free will is another story. There is a scripture that I hold firmly to and that is that God will give us the desires of our heart. When and where… of course that is up to Him and Him alone. We just have to be willing to walk out our lives to the best of our ability. The beauty is He sees it all; start to finish. How? I’m not going to waste any time trying to figure that out. He just does. It’s like trying to figure out what was here before anything was here. What a headache.

Last thought on the subject for tonight. Is it truly better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all? I’d say yes. Hands down. Those few moments of love are worth it all. Do I enjoy the loss? Ha, not hardly. I’d rather never see it’s ugly face again. Ever. One day, one day true love will fall out of the sky and smash me silly. Until that day comes I will have to write a few sad songs… a few sad poems. Okay, I’ll stop fibbing, a ton of sad songs, and a ton of sad poems. Unfortunately, in this world it can be the most relatable thing that we as humans cling to. It’s why it’s easier for me to put on Radiohead’s “Creep” and connect immediately; as opposed to putting on U2’s “Beautiful Day” and have it take a few moments to ‘get there’. And tell myself everything will be all right.

Thank you for spending this time in conversation with me. Now you somewhat know what it’s like to grab a cup of coffee with me. I’m always up for thought provoking meaningful conversation. And a good cup of coffee, preferably *bucks Verona.

Well, this post has surpassed two thousand words and is the lengthiest thing short of chapters in a book that I have written in a while. This has definitely been a rarified moment for me. I hope you’ve enjoyed it. It’s now almost 2am and I should be putting myself to bed. Wallace is still sitting right beside me, unbelievable, this is true companionship without demanding a thing. Dogs are positively mans best friend.

Do take a brief moment to say a prayer for safe travels in this 15-hour drive I am about to partake in. God Bless you all. Thank you for involving yourself in this journey of mine called life.

Godspeed.

Cory Basil