Cadbury makes me laugh really hard… again.
Archive for January, 2009
On facebook there is a note going around asking that you write 25 completely random things about yourself, I kinda frowned at it when my sister first sent it to me because it reminded me of the 9 million questionaries I used to get everyday on Myspace. Nevertheless, I turned my frown upside down and wrote the first 25 random things that popped in this head of mine. Here’s where I would write that I would like it if you all shared 25 random things about yourselves in the comment field below – but I know better. Hundreds of you read, but none comment.
Fraidycats.
1. I died in the 5th grade.
2. I would love to own a phonograph and expand my record collection.
3. I daydream of backpacking across Europe almost everyday.
4. From 1989 to 2002 I thought I had cancer and was going to die; turns out it was just my intestines falling out of my abdomen.
5. Speaking of pain, I’m dying to get the half sleeve finished on my right arm.
6. I love cartoons. Disney & Pixar preferably.
7. I want to write the songs that make the whole world sing.
8. My best friend in high school was a German Shepherd.
9. I can mimic a plethora of voices & cartoon characters, but you’ll probably never see me do it.
10. I was scared as a child that God would send me away to Africa, now I wish He would.
11. For me, there is no better weather than pouring rain and a killer storm.
12. I am as picky as Jerry Seinfeld when it comes to women.
13. I had no idea that I could sing when I was 12; I just made up my mind then that it’s what I was going to do.
14. I hate money, greed & selfishness.
15. I have gained a respect for all religions through reading and studying. I enjoy the dedication and faith that it takes to be devoted. However, I believe there is only one true God.
16. I am a Justin Timberlake fan.
17. I will ALWAYS root for the underdog.
18. I’ve had a gun pulled and pointed at me 3 times in my life.
19. I own 5 copies of ‘The Catcher in the Rye.’
20. My perfect night would consist of staying indoors with a great companion, roaring fire, bottle of cabernet and an incredible film.
21. I have never felt more free then when I jumped out of an airplane.
22. Life has taught me to trust no one. Which is probably why you’ll never know what I’m thinking.
23. I love to laugh so uncontrollably that it hurts.
24. John Wayne, Thomas Merton & Bono are my heroes.
25. I am in the middle of writing my memoirs. I hope to have the book completed and published by 2010.
This story was passed on to me and I thought it was too good not to share…
In a supermarket, Kurtis the stock boy, was busily working when a new
voice came over the loud speaker asking for a carry out at register 4.
Kurtis was almost finished, and wanted to get some fresh air, and
decided to answer the call. As he approached the check-out stand a
distant smile caught his eye, the new check-out girl was beautiful.
She was an older woman (maybe 26, and he was only 22) and he fell in love.
Later that day, after his shift was over, he waited by the punch clock
to find out her name. She came into the break room, smiled softly at him,
took her card and punched out, then left. He looked at her card, BRENDA.
He walked out only to see her start walking up the road. Next day, he
waited outside as she left the supermarket, and offered her a ride home. He
looked harmless enough, and she accepted. When he dropped her off, he asked if
maybe he could see her again, outside of work. She simply said it wasn’t possible.
He pressed and she explained she had two children and she couldn’t
afford a baby-sitter, so he offered to pay for the baby-sitter.
Reluctantly she accepted his offer for a date for the following
Saturday. That Saturday night he arrived at her door only to have her
tell him that she was unable to go with him. The baby-sitter had called and
canceled. To which Kurtis simply said, “Well, let’s take the kids with
us.”
She tried to explain that taking the children was not an option, but
again not taking no for an answer, he pressed. Finally Brenda,
brought him inside to meet her children. She had an older daughter
who was just as cute as a bug, Kurtis thought, then Brenda brought out her
son, in a wheelchair. He was born a paraplegic with Down Syndrome.
Kurtis asked Brenda, “I still don’t understand why the kids
can’t come with us?” Brenda was amazed. Most men would run away from a
woman with two kids, especially if one had disabilities – just like her first
husband and father of her children had done. Kurtis was not ordinary – he had a
different mindset.
That evening Kurtis and Brenda loaded up the kids, went to dinner and the
movies. When her son needed anything Kurtis would take care of him. When he
needed to use the restroom, he picked him up out of his wheelchair, took him and
brought him back. The kids loved Kurtis. At the end of the evening, Brenda
knew this was the man she was going to marry and spend the rest of her life
with.
A year later, they were married and Kurtis adopted both of her children.
Since then they have added two more kids.
So what happened to Kurtis the stock boy and Brenda the check-out girl?
Well, Mr. & Mrs. Kurt Warner now live in Arizona, where he is
currently employed as the quarterback of the National Football League
Arizona Cardinals and has his Cardinals in the hunt for a Super Bowl win.
I am finally, two years later, an iPhone owner.
For a nerd like me, it doesn’t get any better than this. Everything I need is right at my fingertips [all but a flash player]. I’ve been a BIT OVERKILL on downloading all the halfway interesting Apps that I can find… tearing apart the free section and purchasing a few winners.
The best one for the money [this one's free] is “Done Drinking.” I don’t drink beer [nor do I condone drunkenness] but this guy does, and it’s freakin’ hilarious. You must have the audio on, the music and sound effects are pretty comical.
The plot? This guy, let’s call him Richard, takes a drink then starts to walk. It’s your job to keep the lil’ guy upright by moving your iPhone left and right – helping Richard maintain his balance.
And…
that’s all there is to it.
Posted below is my ‘High Score’ thus far; I’ve brought Richard 673.7 feet closer to a warm bed and a toilet that he will need to throw up in multiple times throughout the night because he is a moron and gets drunk.
[Get an iPhone and try n' beat me, Mitchell.]
And… if you don’t have an iPhone – this post is useless and very boring.
“Sorry.”
Other free Apps I love:
Polarize Shakespeare Flixster iSports
Paid Apps I love:
[Most of these paid Apps have a 'lite' version, also known as a trial version.]
Night Camera – $.99 CameraBag – $2.99 Pano -$2.99 Classics – $4.99
Wordsworth – $1.99 Ambiance – $.99 Fieldrunners – $4.99 iShoot – $2.99
So there you have it, the revolving list of Apps I’m into… since purchasing an iPhone I now have to ground myself from using it all day long.
But it’s fun being able to play Tetris before bed, while in bed.
The End.
Hello friends! Welcome back to the Black Nail. I have been really lame about updating daily/weekly – my hopes are to post more frequently this year. So check back often – I will twitter when new posts have been written.
Let me introduce to you my cousin, Jason. He makes me laugh harder than anyone else on the planet. I will post a few of his blogs from time to time – I guarantee they will make you chuckle, or spit milk out of your nose, if in fact you are drinking milk and reading blogs at the same time.
Here is Jason’s latest blog, enjoy and feel free to comment, I’m sure he will respond.
-cB
I was looking through some old school yearbooks a few days ago and decided I’d write a funny little blog about a letter I still have from 5th grade (which was 1990 for myself). Is it weird I still have all of my yearbooks from first grade? I asked someone that question and they thought I was a freak, so I stopped asking people.
OK, now a little background on this love story. I went to the same school from preschool through seventh grade (Northwest Christian Academy… it isn’t there anymore, but it was on 43rd avenue a bit north of Thunderbird. The church is still there, it has all of those funky palm trees). When I was in fifth grade a new student moved to Arizona from Alaska. This was a pretty big deal, because looking through my yearbooks, it was pretty much the same 15 people every year.
After a few months of working my magic we were “going out”, I don’t know what it meant, but I knew that I couldn’t talk to other girls. Sadly after a few months of a torrid love affair, she and her family moved back to Alaska. On a sidenote, who moves to Arizona from Alaska? There wasn’t a place you could move to with a climate a LITTLE more like Alaska than Phoenix freakin Arizona!?!? I think they moved back in March or so, so once it hit about 80 degrees they moved back to their igloo.
Now she had a cousin that was a year older, and came back to visit him towards the end of the school year. I was under the impression that we were no longer a couple. When she returned to school to visit her long lost love… I had moved on with my life… and her name was Sarah. A sixth grader. I don’t mean to brag, but I was quite a stud.
Shortly after that, I got a letter in the mail. I stuck this in my yearbook, because even at the age of 11 (is that the correct 5th grade age?), I knew it was funny and that one day I would write a blog on something called a computer. The following is the letter that Jennifer B. wrote to me.
“Dear Jason
How are you? I am fine. Find any cute girls yet, other than me. I’m joking. Sorry I didn’t write sooner, I was busy. Find another girl if you haven’t already. I heard you were out with someone. I don’t care. I like a boy here anyway. He’s 13teen, brown hair, brown eyes, he’s tall. His name is Shane.
Talk to ya later!
Love, Jennifer B
See ya!”
OK, let’s go ahead and break this down line by line shall we.
How are you? I am fine.
I’m doing well thank you very much for asking. I hope you aren’t pissed that I was holding hands with Sarah, but she’s way hotter than you, older, and there has been talk of a training bra soon. At least that’s the word on the playground.
Find any cute girls yet, other than me. I’m joking.
For starters, that wasn’t funny, so don’t say you’re joking…. say something like, “I’m being annoying”. This is why we didn’t work out. Well that, and the fact you moved to Alaska. I just wasn’t ready for a long distance thing at this point in my life. As for any cute girls. Oh yes I have met someone.
Sorry I didn’t write sooner, I was busy.
To be honest with ya Jen, I wasn’t expecting to hear from you.
Find another girl if you haven’t already. I heard you were out with someone.
Wow, this looks like a trap question, but she can’t pin me down because she already unveils that she has insider information. This is a typical 5th grade mistake. You ask the question, wait for the answer, THEN you make your counterpoint. It should have gone something like, “Find another girl if you haven’t already”. Fifth grade Jason would have responded, “Girl (I’d have to say “girl” like the guy with the deep voice from Boyz II Men), you know you’re the only lady for me.” THEEEEN she can slam her trump card down and say… “Well I heard you were out with someone… “. Yadda yadda.
I don’t care.
OK good, I’m glad you aren’t mad. I’d hate for you to have a breakdown and tell me that you like someone else and tell me how awesome they are, and try to make me feel bad.
I like a boy here anyway.
Uh oh. I’m beginning to get the idea that you did care, and might be a little upset with me. It’s really the last word that bugged me. The “anyway”. I like a boy here ANYWAY. I can just see her saying that in her snotty 5th grade way. And I probably would have had a response like, “Why don’t you just move to Alaska and sell some ice?” At this point I’d realize that it’s probably tough being an ice salesman in Alaska, and not a popular career option, and therefore a very poor insult, even for a fifth grader.
He’s 13teen.
I don’t know what crazy-ass numerical system you have in Alaska, but down here in America, the number 13 is spelled thirteen, so saying thirteenteen is RIDICULOUS! “Why don’t you learn to speak some American!” Now that is an insult boys and girls. It’s also sad that fifth grade Jason was unaware that Alaska is actually part of America, and we speak English.
Brown hair, blue eyes, he’s tall.
OK listen, I’m starting to get a little ticked. In an 8 sentence letter, you have now spent most of the letter talking about this mystery man. I don’t care. Do you want me to give you some details about Sarah? Oh because I can. As for our physical relationship, let me just say.. when we hold hands, it’s weird because everyone stares at us. She has blonde hair, and some color eyes, and she’s average height for a SIXTH grader. That’s right, I brought that up to.
His name is Shane.
Well I hope you and Shane have a nice life with your brown hair, and brown eyes, and tallness. I hope you don’t trip and fall on his ice fishing spear. If I hadn’t gone to a christian school, I might have realized that “fall on his ice fishing spear” could be taken in a completely different direction.
Talk to ya later!
I have to be honest Jennifer. The prospects of us talking again are not looking good. Just enjoy his ice fishing spear, when you are out on the lake… ya know fishing. What else is there to do in Alaska? Have fun when it’s dark outside for 22 hours a day? Go dog sledding?
Love, Jennifer B.
I don’t really have anything to add here except the “B.” is kinda weird. Either write your entire last name, or leave it out. I have never signed anything Jason P. Except when my first rap album drops. Drops means coming out I think. I saw it on MTV.
See ya!
OK, this one was interesting. You have already said, “talk to ya later”, and “Love, Jennifer B.”…. I get the point. Now in ginormous (was a word in 1990, also, Pluto was a planet.) freakin (not a word in 1990) letters, you write “SEE YA!”. This was her send off, “SEE YA!”. I hope I never see you, or your buzz cut again Jason.
There you have it folks, a glimpse into the life of 5th grade Jason. I never heard from Jennifer B. again. As for Sarah, we kept going to the same school through 7th grade for myself (8th for her), until I made the move to Desert Valley and eventually Ironwood High. The sparks just weren’t there for Sarah and myself and sadly we were “just friends” from then on. In my yearbook she did say to keep in touch though, so ya never know.
Actual Letter!!! (this sounds so infomercial)
